Reader Mailbag - The Problem with VD

No, not that kind of VD.  Valentine's Day.  Sheesh.

Dear Girl Friday,

I'm at a loss: my girlfriend is a holiday / special occasion fanatic, and I've been having a hard time matching her enthusiasm for certain days of the year.  Next up is Valentine's Day, which I'll admit I totally dropped the ball on last year.  I have issues already because I feel like it's such a manufactured holiday, but this year I need to come through -- I'm not talking gifts or candy, I'm trying to come up with something fun we can go out and do.  Maybe a nice meal, a fun show, or...?  What's the hot (non-contrived) tip for a young couple who both work way too much and probably need some one-on-on time out on the town?  Help me, Girl Friday.  You're my only hope.

Baby, baby.  I feel your pain. 

I am most certainly not a fan of Valentine's Day, despite being a highly romantic girl.  Sure I drink like a fish and swear like a sailor.  Sure I write smutty stories in my spare time and watch porn like most people watch the evening news.  But really, I'm a huge sucker for the everyday cheese.  Nothing gets my waterworks going like a sappy chick flick (which I'll only watch in the privacy of my own home) or an unexpected bouquet of flowers (which, to date, I've only ever received from Molly).  I really do live for the sentimental stuff.

So, my dear, how long have you been with your girlfriend?  And would she be hysterically upset if you didn't plan anything "special" for Valentine's Day?  A holiday which you clearly believe is contrived and are opposed to celebrating in the first place?  Maybe I'm overstepping my concierge bounds here and delving into the realm of relationship advice columnist, but I might persuade you to come clean with your mate in hopes that she cuts you a little slack.  You're obviously stressed out about it, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't be.

But.  To help you out, I'm going to throw out a few suggestions.  Let's just say that if you were my boyfriend, and we were to have an ideally romantic February 14th 2006, it might include some of the following highlights:

- Meet me for lunch.  It would be a much appreciated break in my day.  Nothing too everyday; maybe something ethnic.  Someplace we've been meaning to try, but just haven't gotten around to it yet.  (Also, reservations for dinner at my favorite spots in town are as tough to get on VD as they are on New Year's Eve, so if you haven't made them by now, you're f**ked.)

- Come over after work.  Come bearing a liquor store gift that I wouldn't normally indulge in for myself; a nice pinot noir, a bottle of Dalwhinnie, a 750 of Grey Goose, whatever.  Then try to arrive at my apartment at the same time I do, so you can fix me a drink and keep me away from the computer.  As much as I'll resist, a night off will be good for me.  And tell me that, say, "a night off will be good for you."

- Get me halfway drunk, but still sober enough to want food.  Pop in a ST: TNG disc while you go make something for us to eat from whatever I have in my kitchen.  And don't yell to me in the living room for help; if you're completely helpless in the culinary arena, then pick up a par-baked cheese pizza from Fat Lorenzo's and throw it in the oven once I'm decently buzzed.  I also recommend you get at least 4 chocolate cupcakes for us to share over the course of the evening.

- Once we've sobered up after eating pizza and cupcakes, then gotten sufficiently drunk again on digestifs, take me to a rock show.  The more rockin', the better.  This will probably be "Not Your Mother's Valentine's Day" at The Turf Club, featuring Sic Bay, Half Fiction, Rat Salad, and Tight Pants.  At some point in the evening, kiss me unabashedly in the middle of the crowd.  Tell me you love me.  Tell me it's time to go home, and help me put on my coat. 

- Drive my drunk ass home.  Stay the night.  Snuggle with me in bed, kiss my face and my forehead, play with my hair, and tell me how much fun you had tonight.  Do this until I fall asleep.

- Call in sick to work the next morning.  Refill my water glass on the nightstand.  Initiate some serious sex.  Do not leave my bed for hours; not until the severe pangs of hunger or the crippling dizziness of fatigue have stricken your body useless.

See?  Easy as pie.  Alright, I admit, it's not quite what you were asking for.  But maybe it's just what she wants.  It's what I'd want, anyway, and I like to think I'm a pretty normal girl for the most part.

So best of luck to you, and please do report back.  I wouldn't be surprised if you fielded a marriage proposal after a night like that.  If not, you know where to find me.

Comments

[MOM&DAD]

Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jordan]

Don't forget my very romantic plan of sitting at home and trying not to think about it while eating egg salad. Okay, just had to get that out of my system. Yay valentine's day!

[taylor]

Here's what this dood needs to do:

This weekend, go to Walgreens, get some pink and red and white (and maybe some black) construction paper and some small doilies and some markers and some glitter. Then track down a small shoe box.

First, make a Valentine box by decorating the shoe box with the materials as best you can. It doesn't even have to look good, just put a bunch of stuff all over it so it's ornate and very visible.

Then go get some cheap Valentines from Rainbow -- possibly some Yu-gi-oh Valentines, because they're pretty tough -- and write a bunch of crazy things on there that pertain to your relationship, like:

* Thinking about sex with you!
* You are my favorite!
* I hope my VD present is expensive!
* Let's go on more dates!
* Even though you tried to cover it up, I heard you fart at supper on Tuesday - it was cute!
* I look forward to your cooking!

Or whatever you see fit.

Once this is done, put the Valentines into the Valentine box. Make sure you have enough Valentines in the box so it's obvious there are some Valentines in there. Right away in the morning on the 14th, send the Valentine box with her to set out at work.

Two awesome things will happen:

1. She will be able to show off to her co-workers. If I learned anything from this week's episode of The Office, it's that your girlfriend isn't going to sleep with you unless he gets to show off to her co-workers.

2. She will read all the Valentines and think about you all day long. And if you're lucky, she might read a sweet one first and then let her co-workers read some, which would be hilarious if they accidentally read the sex and/ or fart ones.

Not only will she appreciate the effort and the thoughtfulness, but she will also appreciate the creativity and specialization. Then whatever lame activities you have planned for the rest of the day, supper or whatever, will seem even more cutesy because you can talk about what was written on the Valentines.

And if she doesn't get through the 300 Yu-gi-oh Valentines you stuffed into the Valentine box, she can read them later in the day!

[Lewis]

Huh?

Valentine's...what?

[Alexis]

Actually, I believe Taylor is single.

While I don't recommend his idea for a significant other, it might be a cute thing to do for a good friend. I surprised my friend and neighbor Jerra (AKA The Slutty Canadian) with something similar last year, except there was no Yu-gi-oh involved.

Picture 1

Picture 2

[Alexis]

Oh! There's always the ever-popular White Castle Valentine's Day special. Hostess seating, candlelit dining, and your own server. 5-8pm, reservations required.

[black java]

I'll second that "Geez" from mom and dad. Nice writing Alexis.

[Anthony]

As one of the many people you don't know who reads your blog (fairly) regularly, you have ascended to new heights. How? Your parents read that. Nice.

Those are the kinds of things I'd save as ammo over a liquor-lubricated, tragic family dinner. But you...you just put it all out there, and on any old Thursday!

Keep on keepin' on...

[Alexis]

Thanks for the encouragement!

It became impossible to keep my alter ego from good ol' Mom and Dad, so, yeah... sometimes you just gotta do your thing and hope they still love and respect you anyway.

[Anthony]

Speaking of parents and sex...

My dad taught me the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" when I was 14.

Some things you just remember. Other things...well they inhibit your capacity for commitment well into adulthood, eh?

[em]

Alexis- I am in love with you...xxooxxooxoemechocat
p.s. that was my vision of the perfect night, too. As you can tell I am home alone with my wine, and my keyboard. Happy Vday to me and to you, who like a fine wine is aging so well.

[Jenny]

I am a week late on this but am still amazed that you are like, in my head or something. That DOES sound like a perfect Valentine's Day. All men should bow down to the Girl Friday altar! Couldn't have said it better myself.