It is time to say goodbye to Felicia.

The next call I make to Felicia's vet will be to schedule the end of her life. In just the last month, she has lost nearly half her body weight. I had been giving her buprenorphine for her pain every 12 hours, but I realized yesterday that I have to increase the frequency as it's become heartbreakingly obvious when it starts to wear off. The kind of cancer she has isn't the growing mass kind, rather the opposite. It has rapidly eaten away at the teeth and upper jaw on the right side of her face, as well as the bone around her eye. It has wiped out a tear duct, so she is constantly weeping out of that eye. There is a large artery nearby, so what I'm most worried about now is for the cancer to eat at that artery, causing her to bleed to death if I'm not here to take her to the emergency room. This cancer is advancing at a rapid rate, so much so that the oncology specialist that saw her yesterday was alarmed at her condition in comparison to the x-rays that were taken just 7 days ago.

Felicia has always been my world. If you know me, you know that. She was part of a pair of kittens that an ex-boyfriend adopted at 10 weeks of age from the Humane Society in St. Paul. Two weeks later, he surrendered to the reality that he was violently allergic to the little furballs, and I took them in. Felicia's brother, Fatboy, disappeared from my front lawn when they were less than a year old. I searched for him for months, checking Minneapolis Animal Control and the nearby shelters every two days, but I never found him. Felicia took the news well, and she and I have been the best of friends ever since. She is a beautiful and intelligent cat with the ability to make me laugh with a look. Over the last 13-plus years, we have lived in countless domiciles and she always adapted wonderfully every time we moved into a new place. She’s never been a furniture scratcher (unless she wants your attention) she’s never jumped on counters (unless there’s heavy cream involved), she’s never bitten anyone (unless you count the vet tech who assisted with her spay) and she’s never been anything less than perfect in my eyes.

There are so many things I will miss about Felicia. Her soft black fur, which I’m stroking now as she sleeps next to me. Her freakishly long whiskers, her bright and shiny green eyes, her purr, the crooked tip of her tail. The way she hates being brushed. The way she patiently stalks the mouse living behind the stove. The way she batted the other mouse that lived behind the stove around this apartment for two hours last Wednesday before it finally died. The way she stared at it incredulously once it went limp. The way she lays on my belly every night until I’m asleep, then moves to her side of the bed.

I’m trying to think of a list of things I want to do with her before I have to make the phone call, but all I want to do is hold her. She stopped playing for the most part about two weeks ago, but I managed to rouse some interest with a cough drop wrapper the other day. She’s always played with her mouth, chomping down on tiny plush toys, sparkle balls and feather sticks (but mostly the stick and not so much the feather). She can’t do that now without pain so I guess I don’t blame her for not having much interest in something she can only paw at. So I will be with her, holding her, every moment that I can, until she lets me know that it’s time to make that call. Taking off of work this weekend is impossible—thanks Red Bull—but I will be home with Felicia whenever I’m not working. My hope is that I have another week with her.

 

Comments

[Judy]

I just went through this with my sweet cat, Mabel, on New Year's Eve. I'm really so sorry. You're doing the right thing and the passing is so quick and painless-seeming that it kind of makes me wish we had that option when it gets to that point. My thoughts are with you. xox

[Alexis]

Thanks, Judy. I was sad to hear about Mabel. So amazing, they are.

[Jillian Adamson]

Most of the time you make me cry from laughter. Tonight, you've made me cry a bit in sadness. I'm so sorry, Lex.

I have never known you as an adult without Felicia. At least, not since we realized we were neighbors back on Pierce & Lowry. I am going to be a complete mess when Kishka... I don't even want to think about that.

If you want someone with her whilst you are working, I'll be there in a heartbeat if you need me. Obviously, I'll be there in a heartbeat for you as well, but you know what I mean.

[twitter.com/MarkPritchard]

So sorry! It's unbearable, I know. We went through it last year. My heart goes out to you.

[Danwick]

So sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you.

[Jessi]

This is a beautiful tribute. I'm thinking of you. Your love for animals has always made me feel so warmly toward you, and Felicia is so damn lucky to be the cat that got to be spoiled by you. Take care of yourself, and just remember through the pain - how fucking worth it out pets are.

[Melissa]

I was investigating starting a concierge in my area and came across your blog. Your story is so like mine, although Chama, sister of lost Chaco, is not near her final days. She's 4 I believe. I got both Chama (calico) and Chaco (all black) as barn kittens. I so wanted a black cat and Chama was supposed to be raised to go to another as a barn cat. But, as fate would have it, Chaco was lost most likely to a predator and Chama remains with me. All of what you describe about Felicia sounds so familiar - batting a mouse, good about not scratching the furniture, etc. So, as you send Felicia on to play with Chaco, I send my regards and perhaps I'll contact you about the other stuff.

[Christopher Hauseman]

Alexis,

I happened upon your blog when looking for info on the old Blacky's Bakery. I empathize with you and your loss of Felicia. During the past four years we have lost 5 family members: My Father in-law; 3 Felines ( Reckless, Sagunthka, MiMi) and a rambunctious Beagle -Chuck aka Mr. Charlie. Chuck was diagnosed in early December 2010 with lymphoma which over took him within two months. The night before we had arranged his visit to the vet, he began running a high fever, labored breathing: he showed almost no movement. I brought him into bed, held him; stroking his head; putting cold towels on his feet and head. I dreaded the coming of morning, knowing that my dear friend of 13 yrs. would take that final car ride he loved so well. I woke up at ten minutes to eight am with Chuck starting to yawn and stretch in my arms. At that moment he had a heart attack and died in my arms. Throughout the night I kept telling him it was ok to die here with the ones he loved. It was a hard morning but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way looking back at it now.

Your story is a wonderful tribute to a beautiful soul that was able to share part of your life with. I know Felicia is in a better place and feeling fine now.

Take care and know another little one will find you when you least expect it...... we acquired a rescue Beagle by the name of Bacon or should we say he acquired us.

[Get Ex Boyfriend Back Guru]

This a very beautiful tribute. You can always adopt a little furball again to help you go through it.

[Bexley]

I'm a bit late, but I'm sorry to hear this. Hope you're alright.